i kept waking up last night. i kept dozing off while driving this morning to school, my eyes kept twitching this afternoon. i had to take off my contacts because my eyes were too tired to keep them in. i've been gaining a lot of weight and am freaking out. i switched out of ap art and into pottery and ceramics even though i hate clay. the teacher seems funny, he had us vote on what we wanted to listen to. puffy switched out of my english class, today i found out that his real name is kyle.

so im crying.
wonderfullllllll,
i just want to go to jordans and smoke a bowl.
school starts monday, fuck my life

i feel so incredibly overwhelmed

things i am annoyed with:
how controlling matt can be towards our friends.
how elise feels the need to say all of her insecurities over and over.
eric, uuuuuuuugh.
how ridiculous our group of friends is.


bleh bleh bleh
yesterday was really good
as was today.
i can't wait for harry potter with brendan! :D
and the concert with terrill and upma! :D
and possibly new york with elise! :D
god, i need to get a job, i've been burning away my money :[

such good days,
such confusing days,
i've been strangly enjoying
this sticky summer heat.
when brendan gets back from the beach, we're
going to see harry potter :]
i'm excited, he makes me giggle.

i dont really know what to think really, today im just hiding away in my room.

M: why don't you wear your ring on your ring finger?
A: i don't want to be married to fernando.

i am so angry with everything, really.
how dare she fucking accuse me of secretly dating him
and not telling her? really? fuck you, thats so fucking stupid,
why would i try to hide something like that? so absurd.
and calling me three times to make sure that i actually wanted to hang out with you
was just striaght up crazy. i wouldnt have invited you if i didnt want to be with you.

Page 1. Chapter 1. Verse mother fucking 1.
Yeah,
Uh huh,
I'm Drinking hot tea bitch.
Feel me, now if you let me you wont regret me,
Shit if you let me you wont forget me.
Remember? And if you don't then ponder hold up pop! pop! there's a reminder.
I ain't kinda hot I'm sauna, I sweat money and the bank is my shower,
And that pistol is my towel, so stop sorting meat coward.
And I would die for hours, ride for hours, supply the flowers.
This is history in the making, now shut the fuck up and let me make it.

Please don't shoot me down, cause I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm higher
Please don't shoot me down, I'm flying, I'm higher.

I swear this tea is at a real good temperature right now.

I spit Alcatraz bars I know,
And D Boys is the only alphabet boys i know,
Got a 380 on my waste and ranbow back home,
No more bandanna round my dome,
Bandana in my right pocket, bitch I'm grown.
Fuck what you want, watch me stand on the world as I sit in a throne
And if I jump I'm going to fly and look into the eagles eye and see I am lookin like you, why?
Bitch see,it gets me how nothing gets me or get to me,
And if your shootin for the stars then just shoot me,
But your bullets don't reach mars, haws, claws because I'm a beast I'm a dawg ill get you,
My picture should be in the dictionary next to the definition of definition,
Because repetition is the father of learning. and son i know your barrel burning but..


Please don't shoot me down, cause I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm higher
Please don't shoot me down, I'm flying, I'm higher.

Ay! Talk to my daddy.
Pop i did it to em, I'm gonna bastard,and I'm going to do it again like nigga backwards,
These niggas backwards, but they behind us. Now watch me get high like times up
Now D bring the drums back, and watch me hit them where there lungs at like that,
I get respect cause if don't I'm going to take it, i see your boys hating and i see your girls naked.
It sounds like a naked gun, switch clips with my thumb, and i pop another clip in and aim at his vision.
Cause wayne is his vision, cause wayne is the mission, I'm aiming at a mirror...


Please don't shoot me down, cause I'm flying, I'm flying, (and I've done it before, please don't make me do it any more.) I'm higher
Please don't shoot me down, (watch me soar) I'm flying, (where the fuck is my guitar, now roar) I'm higher.



so how fucking lame am i for having posted a whole lil' wayne song on here?
i love this song and it always makes me feel sad and yet liberated.
matt and i are probably going to the zoo tomorrow and then on thursday we're
going to the pool with freak dancer! i love that girl, she's hilarious and i still
am so glad that she was there at prom to dance with drew when christine left him
standing alone. i was so pissed of at christine. i'm looking at old pictures of people
and it's so funny. by old i mean the beginning of this year. i feel bad for freak
dancer, she's really into drew :( drew has been acting so stupid lately, im so frustrated
with him right now. but i love him, so its okay :\ i think matt may be annoyed with me,
but at the same time maybe he just doesnt feel like talking right now. blaaaaaaaaaaah.

i don't even remember what day/night this was, we all got crazy drunk.
we were sleeping at freesia's and matt, gwen and i were crying? haha it was so crazy
and when i was huggin matt to try to comfort him, i passed out on him for a couple of seconds
oh lawdddd

i cant believe it. when matt called me i started shaking so hard. matt and zanin slept over last night and they were crying, obviously. today has been en emotional trainwreck. funeral on sunday, burial on monday, dinner for friends next week...so much.

“Static in my head,
the reflected sound of everything,
tried to go to where it led,
but it didn't lead to anything.”

i hung out with kt today.
matt and elise are fine now, im glad.
we all met elise's girlfriend yesterday.
she's so nice, i adore her! im thinking
about things and am feeling good.

went to d.c. today with mom, dad, michael and connor.
art museum, natural history museum, churros and empanadas.
i am sooo sleeeeeepy. its funny how much people have changed. nick has changed so much for the worse and im glad that he isn't a part of my life anymore. he's so negative and twitchy with his mood. matt and kayleigh broke up for good this time, which is great,
they're relationship was pretty dead by this point, like mine was
with nick. im cold and shaky. i have bronchitis and im trying desperately not
to get connor sick, but the little bugger makes it so hard with his cuteness.
"if you get me sick, then at least we'll be sick together!" he's adorable. i like
how polite he is with my parents and my parents have good feelings about him and so do i.
he's a very optimistic person and i need that in my life. i dont feel overwhelmed after waking up
anymore.

i like that matt steele and i are really good friends now.
i tell him pretty much everything :)
connor and i have been gooooood.
matt cap hasnt been too great :/
i have to spend more time with him
so he knows that hes not alone.
nick is a pothead, im glad that
we are not dating anymore.
my brother is coming to visit soon, im happy.
i think that michael will like connor when he meets him.
things have been pretty good around here.

holy fucking shit, he quit it for meeeeeeee <3
shit's been good,
school's been good

why is nikalos being such a little shit to me?
what have i dont to him? did i cheat on him and embarrass him with lies?
noooooooooooooooooooooooope. and yet, he feels as though he has the right to be a little dick wad.

i miss summer school, a lot.
:D

im done with tennis. im kinda sad, im gonna miss all the little girls!
:( BUT IM NOT GOING TO MISS SAM THE DOUCHE BAG. im terribly disappointed
with a lot of things.

hah, almost my whole summer school class is convinced that dilan and i are going to date. yeah, noooo thankssss. carl is a strange kid. he kept asking me if i was a virgin or not. it reminded me of the first time i ever talked to him and he was all like, do you drink? do drugs? what an odd boy. yesterday was really fun, as is every day of school. whenever anyone falls asleep, they have to sing a song. the song below is kinda how i feel right now. i think nick was really stupid to wait to break up with her, its obviously done her no good. i hate him, her, this. i dont want to see him again, maybe this year i'll just go to south lakes. or maybe i'll move to florida, cause it seems like its pretty high chance again that i will move.

America I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
America two dollars and twenty-seven cents January 17, 1956.
I can't stand my own mind.
America when will we end the human war?
Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb
I don't feel good don't bother me.
I won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind.
America when will you be angelic?
When will you take off your clothes?
When will you look at yourself through the grave?
When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?
America why are your libraries full of tears?
America when will you send your eggs to India?
I'm sick of your insane demands.
When can I go into the supermarket and buy what I need with my good looks?
America after all it is you and I who are perfect not the next world.
Your machinery is too much for me.
You made me want to be a saint.
There must be some other way to settle this argument.
Burroughs is in Tangiers I don't think he'll come back it's sinister.
Are you being sinister or is this some form of practical joke?
I'm trying to come to the point.
I refuse to give up my obsession.
America stop pushing I know what I'm doing.
America the plum blossoms are falling.
I haven't read the newspapers for months, everyday somebody goes on trial for
murder.
America I feel sentimental about the Wobblies.
America I used to be a communist when I was a kid and I'm not sorry.
I smoke marijuana every chance I get.
I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.
When I go to Chinatown I get drunk and never get laid.
My mind is made up there's going to be trouble.
You should have seen me reading Marx.
My psychoanalyst thinks I'm perfectly right.
I won't say the Lord's Prayer.
I have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.
America I still haven't told you what you did to Uncle Max after he came over
from Russia.

I'm addressing you.
Are you going to let our emotional life be run by Time Magazine?
I'm obsessed by Time Magazine.
I read it every week.
Its cover stares at me every time I slink past the corner candystore.
I read it in the basement of the Berkeley Public Library.
It's always telling me about responsibility. Businessmen are serious. Movie
producers are serious. Everybody's serious but me.
It occurs to me that I am America.
I am talking to myself again.

Asia is rising against me.
I haven't got a chinaman's chance.
I'd better consider my national resources.
My national resources consist of two joints of marijuana millions of genitals
an unpublishable private literature that goes 1400 miles and hour and
twentyfivethousand mental institutions.
I say nothing about my prisons nor the millions of underpriviliged who live in
my flowerpots under the light of five hundred suns.
I have abolished the whorehouses of France, Tangiers is the next to go.
My ambition is to be President despite the fact that I'm a Catholic.

America how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
I will continue like Henry Ford my strophes are as individual as his
automobiles more so they're all different sexes
America I will sell you strophes $2500 apiece $500 down on your old strophe
America free Tom Mooney
America save the Spanish Loyalists
America Sacco & Vanzetti must not die
America I am the Scottsboro boys.
America when I was seven momma took me to Communist Cell meetings they
sold us garbanzos a handful per ticket a ticket costs a nickel and the
speeches were free everybody was angelic and sentimental about the
workers it was all so sincere you have no idea what a good thing the party
was in 1935 Scott Nearing was a grand old man a real mensch Mother
Bloor made me cry I once saw Israel Amter plain. Everybody must have
been a spy.
America you don're really want to go to war.
America it's them bad Russians.
Them Russians them Russians and them Chinamen. And them Russians.
The Russia wants to eat us alive. The Russia's power mad. She wants to take
our cars from out our garages.
Her wants to grab Chicago. Her needs a Red Reader's Digest. her wants our
auto plants in Siberia. Him big bureaucracy running our filling stations.
That no good. Ugh. Him makes Indians learn read. Him need big black niggers.
Hah. Her make us all work sixteen hours a day. Help.
America this is quite serious.
America this is the impression I get from looking in the television set.
America is this correct?
I'd better get right down to the job.
It's true I don't want to join the Army or turn lathes in precision parts
factories, I'm nearsighted and psychopathic anyway.
America I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.




needless to say, allen ginsberg is a genius.
the two lines that i made bold are my favorite lines.